Lonely Planet Bluelist - Seven ways to feel at home in Italy

1. Embrace God.

Italy and Church go together like fat people and heart disease, so watch out. Those shifty Renaissance priests knew that aestheticism is a powerful converting mechanism, even if you decided long ago that you’re sitting on the fence on the whole creationism thing. A word of caution: if you’re going to risk religion, make sure you’re dressed like your grandmother otherwise they won’t let you in.

2. Become addicted to smoking.

Cigarettes are appetite suppressants so if you begin chain-smoking it means you’ll only need to eat once a day. This is necessary in cities like Naples, Milan and Pisa where your average meal costs as much as the plane ticket that got you there. And once you’ve realised that you’ve spent your last few Euros on a shiny poster of Michelangelo’s David from that African kid with no teeth, all you can manage is a squashed panini in the poor quarter. Hmm.

3. Lose your inhibitions (about garbage).

At first glance, Rome looks a charm. But the garbage hasn’t been picked up since 1975. The locals have learned to live with it and even embrace it, so don’t look like a pretentious ass by not joining in. Just remember that proverb about ‘when in Rome...’. It’s also a good place to practice that other proverb about swinging a cat. Plenty of those around too.

4. Take up adrenalin sports.

This is to ensure a placid disposition when your friendly Florentine bus-driver decides to practice his Need for Speed moves on the busy night-time roads. There are some traffic cops in Florence, but they are on no account paying attention to the traffic. All driving is conducted at top speed, and much of it is on the sidewalks since most parking seems to be done in the middle of the streets.

5. Inherit a large fortune.

Cities like Venice are only good without the cumbersome worries of assets to think about. Gondoliers don’t bargain, regardless of how many times you’ve been to Asia, so either be rich or don’t eat anything for two days prior. Money is also helpful in buying cheap trinkets and offering them as a bribe to the large American family at the front of the queues so they’ll let you in front.

6. Learn the lingo.

This is to inconspicuously separate yourself from the large group of inebriated Contiki kids that you’ll bump into every four hours in every major city. You need to get as far away from these untoward people as possible, before one of them recognises your un-Italian-like features and starts trying to talk to you. Also, avoid 'discotheques'. This is Italian slang for 'tourist clubs', which usually consist of Vodka shots and the Grease soundtrack on repeat. If you want to experience authentic Italian nightlife, just do what they do: hire a Moped and hoon around town, yelling at the occasional passer-by.

7. Become a boozehound.

Italians may look sober, but they’re not. If you end up somewhere like San Marino you'll understand why Limoncello is the drink of the nation. Being drunk in San Marino is not an inchoate tradition – they’ve been doing it for centuries. A tip for the first-timers: do it in the motel or bus. Meandering drunk down the 75-degree inclines of San Marino augurs all kinds of trouble, like grabbing hold of tiny old women to keep from falling over and hugging trees because you’ve mistaken them for fat, cuddly people.